Tuesday afternoon I picked up Eliot and made my way to the Mid-South Fair. Teri and Will couldn’t go, so I was meeting the rest of the children and their grandparents there. Teri told me on the phone right away that we needed to be home by 9 o’clock. I didn’t say anything nor think about it much. After arriving at the fair and hooking up with Wallace and Patrick, we began to ride the rides. Never have I seen a seven year old who would ride anything you put him on.

After a while we found the rest of the crew and began to eat. You name it, and we ate it – turkey legs, corn on the cob, chicken wings, pronto pups, funnel cakes. When this was over we hit the Midway again. About 8:45, Teri called again and asked me where we were and reiterated that we really needed to be heading home because the children had school the next day, homework to do, lessons to practice and if we didn’t get home they would pay for it in the morning. We were standing in the middle of the Midway at the time and I looked at the children, heard the laughter and then told Teri. “Teri: we won’t be home by nine.   Matter of fact, we might stay and close the place down. You are right, they will pay for it in the morning; in fact, they may even make an ‘F’ on a test tomorrow because I kept them out too late.   But you know, if they make an ‘F’ on a test tomorrow they will forget about it in one week, but they will never forget this night!”

Now, in this real-time snapshot of life, who is right? Will this lead to a huge rift in our relationship? Will one of us explode and verbally destroy the other? Teri is thinking like the practical, rational person she is. Of course she is right in everything she says. I am thinking like an unpractical romantic who is caught up in the moment arguing that I am right. This is just a small example of how communication comes to us. We can never read about it in a textbook where we can carefully sort things out. Life is ad-hoc, messy, situational, and always unexpected. How we communicate in these times determines a lot about the quality of our relationships and experience. Our communication reveals our true heart and our particular character. To make matters more complex, God has separated us by gender, culture, and life experiences. How in the world will we ever communicate with people different than us without staying mad or irritated all the time? Yet that is what God intends for our speech.

Jack Miller in his course called Sonship has what he calls a Tongue Exercise. In it he asks you for one week to do six things as you pay attention to how you talk:

1. Do not complain or grumble at anything at all.
2. Do not boast about anything at all.
3. Do not gossip or repeat bad information about anybody else.
4. Do not run someone down even a little bit.
5. Do not excuse or defend yourself no matter what.
6. Do always affirm other people.

The whole point is that, until you come to grips with speaking, you will never know how much you need resources outside yourself to help you in this battle. James wrote that you will never have self-control till you master the tongue. He says the person who has mastered his tongue is a person experiencing the mercy of Christ. Serious and sobering words.

We blame other people or circumstances when we spew toxic words, but Scripture implicitly tells us the battle raging is not with people or circumstances, but taking place within our own hearts. When my children divert me from the calm evening I had planned, forcing me to leave the comfort of the leather chair where my feet are propped up in front of Monday Night Football, I know the battle that I am experiencing is not with them, it is within my own heart. Rage at having my comfort interrupted, thoughts of wanting to berate them, anger at God for not giving me angels but fellow sinners for offspring—these are just a few of the thoughts that run through my head. My reaction will reveal where my real heart is resting.

Here, although, is why classes in communication will never really help us. Life is not scripted. Things happen, demands are made, disappointments are experienced and circumstances come at you at the most bizarre moments. We are never ready for them. Scripture gives us a better way. Our words flow from our heart. When our hearts are tuned by the sweet music of the gospel, when the wellspring of all desires is cleansed by the redeeming work of Jesus, the response will amaze. Words just evidence what is in the heart. The real problem to be dealt with is not did I say too many cuss words this week, but whom am I worshipping?

It is much easier to say, “I have to clean up my mouth,” than listen to your speech for a week and say, “Who am I really worshipping? God or my comfort, success, or money?” One will fix temporarily till people or circumstances disappoint you and you are back with the same thing; the other is systemic, altering you to the root, so that your rest is not in technique, but in a Savior, who became the living Word and died so that your mouth could be a fountain of blessing to both God and to those around you.